by. Renee Wood
It’s Lent again, but honestly, since Holy Week last year, I think I’ve been suffering the passion. Tragedy after tragedy has hit my family and is still going today. Along with this winter-ageddon it just seems from the surface like I’ve been abandon by God. Yet I really know I haven’t because of this incredible Grace to continue on, rather than curled up under the covers waiting for death. I’m quite healthy, it’s everyone around me who’s being struck while I have to watch. Someone said “Just thank God it’s not you”! But I think when you watch a spouse, parent and sibling all go through a serious life and death issue, all within a 10 month span, you think it would be easier if it were you. In a selfish way, when you’re severely disabled, and see those who could care for you get seriously ill or die, you start feeling alone, terrified and vulnerable.
I’m ready for Easter! Somehow it passed me over last year and I was left alone in the dark! I know one of my great weaknesses in life is that I trust my own mental abilities, resources and network of friends to protect me from what I fear the most – getting stuck in an institution. I do not trust God’s will in this! It’s not that I believe God thinks institutions are “good places” anymore than I think He thought concentration camps were good places, but he allowed people to be placed there. Was this God’s will for people to be in these places? I’m not sure. If His own Son Requested “Father, let this cup pass by me, but thy will be done” and God willed that tragedy, I’m not so sure I want to trust Him with my worst fear in life! I know a great thing came from Jesus’ death in that we were all set free from sin. But I’m not Jesus, and even if I thought my suffering in an institution would free every other person from having to endure being institutionalized – I’m not so sure I’d do it! Sometimes I don’t know if I don’t trust God so much as I don’t trust these crazy human beings he put me down here with! What I do know is I’m ready for Spring, warm sunshine and peace on my family! I want to have a big party this year!
Again, let me give this reminder, anything I write in my blog space, or copied onto my Facebook page, is my own individual thoughts, not DD Council’s of which I chair. Many of my thoughts and ideas may correspond with what council supports, but some may not.